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I’ve lamented the lack of storytelling in job descriptions, with everyone seemingly depending on the same HR 101 handbook.

I’ve also showcased killer job descriptions like this one from Medium.

Now comes a job description on LinkedIn like none other (h/t to Burghardt Tenderich for the flag). The creator was determined to leave nothing to chance.

I’ve added my perspective for passages that jabbed me in the ribs.

 

Household Manager/Cook/Nanny — Menlo Park

 

Household Manager/Cook/Nanny needed for single mom entrepreneur CEO family in Menlo Park, CA with girl-boy twin 10-year old’s. Looking for a long-term (at least five years) member of the household to act with leadership, strategy, attention to detail, high energy, and kindness. Live-in or out. Car provided.

Overall duties including running the household in collaboration with the mother and with the assistance of a housekeeper, an au pair, a property manager, and a gardener/handyman. Most of the rest of household staff speaks English as a second language. Major responsibilities are keeping the house and its processes well organized including organizing the house and donating clothing and other items, cooking organic foods that meet our allergy requirements, errands, planning vacations, camps and after school activities, and spending time with the kids.

Donating clothing now counts as an expertise?

Schedule when not travelling is five days a week approximately 11:30 am to 8:00 pm. Sunday-Thursday (preferred) or Monday-Friday (second choice). Mom is a CEO and needs to relax on weekends. Weekends are busy with sports and playdates. Live-in option is the full kitchen, one-bedroom pool house.

 

Requirements

 

Intelligent, well educated, good at research and planning.

  • High executive functioning. Very well organized. Multi-tasker able to make progress and complete multiple projects. University degree or equivalent knowledge.
  • Assist 10-year old’s with light homework in long division, subtraction and writing. Play math games with them such as “how much fish should we buy today for five of us?” and “How long will it take us to drive to the snow if it’s 150 miles and we go 50 miles an hour?”

I’ve always believed drilling into the specifics brings realness to the narrative, but is “how much fish should we buy today for five of us?” really a math game (or necessary)?

  • Strategically think through vacation options based on the developmental levels of the kids and the need for the mom to relax. Conduct research into domestic and global vacation options based on criteria, populate information into a simple Excel spreadsheet, recommend and book vacations, track vacation expenses in Excel including track vacation home deposits getting returned
  • Be creative about researching and recommending and booking good activities and schedules for vacations and can make our vacations more active and fun
  • Compare and make recommendations regarding using credit card points to booking vacations versus paying cash

It sounds like she’s got five people on the payroll to keep the trains running on time, this position plus a housekeeper, an au pair, a property manager, and a gardener/handyman. And she’s worried about using credit card points to shave a few dollars off a week at the Four Seasons in Hawaii?

  • Can email and text vendors, friends’ parents, etc. in a professional manner
  • Using Word, can review and modify household handbook, kids’ chore sheet, etc.
  • Plan and facilitate weekly household meeting with au pair and kids

Ideal candidate has studied Henry Kissinger’s negotiation techniques in shaping Sino-American relations during the Nixon administration.

  • Track and administer allowance, clothing budgets, household expenses, etc.
  • Monitor and track purchases and make returns on time

 

Manager and leader.

Now there’s a flag; i.e., the staff has varying degrees of maturity.

  • Control, organize, motivate and plan their tasks. Utilize Microsoft To Do/Wunderlist to track activities. Help members of the staff who are less tech savvy to download apps and use them. Conduct weekly household meetings with au pair, monthly meetings with others. Manage the overall calendar in Google for all activities including gardening, kids’ days off from school, housekeeper’s vacations, etc.

 

Great, consistent cook.

  • Family eats organic and is allergic to cow and goat dairy, chicken eggs, green beans and watermelon. Can eat duck eggs. Must be able to produce simple, delicious meals with consistency and accuracy meeting our allergy requirements

Whew. I’m glad the gang can eat duck eggs.

  • Conduct research into vegan recipes and make modifications to regular recipes. Able to learn about using alternatives to milk and butter. Can read articles about eating beef and increases in breast cancer and can understand this information at a summary level, i.e., beef is bad, fish and vegetables are good
  • Correctly quantify how much fish to purchase for five people, for example, or how much chicken for 15 people

Didn’t we already cover how much fish to buy for five people?

  • Follow directions in recipes and use good judgment for substitutions. For example, use vegan cream cheese in blended soups, or potatoes to thicken broth

Starting to get the sense that this individual might be a micro manager.

  • Research and review recipes in books and online and create simple menus
  • Collaborate with the mom and the kids on meals and dishes that they like
  • Administer calcium and other supplements to the kids
  • Always focus on healthy eating and relaxed, happy, family-style meals
  • Able to plan and prepare appropriate snacks and mini meals around sports practices and other kids’ activities
  • Understand and follow general food safety guidelines such as keeping hands sterilized, washing produce thoroughly, keeping hot foods hot and cold foods cold for picnics

 

Physically active, strong, athletic, high energy, understands the basics of team sports

Read the Pat Riley book, “The Winner Within.”

 

Excel at your job by reading Pat Riley's The Winner Within: A Life Plan for Team Players

 

  • Strong swimmer and lifeguard. Can supervise kids in the pool and understands basic dangers and rescues. Can swim in the ocean and bodysurf. Likes river swimming
  • Can throw balls and play simple basketball, volleyball, soccer and football with 10-year old’s (learn if not already familiar). Can do calisthenics with kids (sit ups, lunges, squats, pushups) and generally play and rough house with kids

Rough house with kids?

  • Can bike around town with 10-year old’s

Hopefully, the house manager gets an adult bike.

  • Can do short mountain hikes
  • Can ski at least at an intermediate level (preferred) and can take kids on ski vacations and manage everything (preferred)

 

Excellent driver

  • Clean driving record
  • Can drive the kids around town and on the freeway with a high degree of safety
  • Experienced driving in snow (preferred)
  • Experienced mountain driving (preferred)
  • Prefer experience driving in other countries (preferred)

 

High emotional intelligence, skilled at coaching kids

  • Can influence the children positively in many areas including self-soothing, self-discipline, organization, conflict resolution, perseverance

Budget available to engage with Deepak Chopra, Tony Robbins and other useful resources. Must be able to negotiate cost below the rack price.

  • Can build alliances with other kids’ parents and nannies and arrange play dates and joint travel with other families
  • Is fun for the kids to be around. Is someone the kids can trust and can respect.
  • Has room in their heart to love the kids and the mom; has a high capacity to be loved deeply by them
  • Has appropriate boundaries in relationships and interactions and will teach the children the same including appropriate privacy and safety. Understands the risks of leaving children alone with coaches, for example

 

Flexible schedule, high energy

  • Can travel domestically and internationally with the family
  • Able to maintain high energy, high organization, and great attitude while travelling with kids
  • Able to spend the night occasionally

 

 

And Uber thought replacing Travis Kalanick was a challenging recruitment assignment.

I’m thinking the job description missed the one question that by itself could identify qualified job candidates:

  • Do you ever change clothes in a phone booth?

 

 


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